


Have I Fallen

by DonnaLynn



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander (TV) RPF, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Era Differences, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 07:40:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17199353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonnaLynn/pseuds/DonnaLynn
Summary: My life irrevocably changed the moment I met Stephen Bonnet.





	Have I Fallen

**Author's Note:**

> I confess I have not read any of the Outlander novels, merely sections I've been able to read here there online. My passion of it comes from the series. This particular telling is a different spin on Brianna’s rape by Stephen Bonnet. It’s in part to help people who have had this happen to them and to understand there is nothing for them to be ashamed of or to fret ‘could I have done things differently if I had been better’, no.
> 
> If this has happened to you I urge you to talk about it. To someone, anyone, but do not keep it bottled in it will only tear you apart so not be ashamed of it and do not let the stigma of it not being talked about continue.

 

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Outlander **DO NOT** belong to me but to Diana Gabaldon. So **DO NOT SUE**!

You hear a person speak of something you’ve never experienced yourself, and you like to think you understand, you know what it’s like and what you would have done or would do in the same situation.

But you have /n o/ idea.  
  
Until you’re put in the same circumstances you have no idea what you would or wouldn’t do.  
  
I’ve read about it. Talked about it. Even knew someone who it had happened too, and I always thought ‘it could never happen to me’. Even if it did I would do everything in my power to stop it or I wouldn’t let myself be put in the situation.  
  
I was wrong about it all.  
  
My life irrevocably changed the moment I met Stephen Bonnet. Coming back from the best and worst evening of my life, I was walking past a card table to my room. And he reached out like lightning and took hold of my wrist. Firstly, I felt a strange jolt from his touch. Weird considering my arms were covered and he wasn’t touching my skin. Secondly I didn’t yank my arm away, strange even to me.

‘Blow on it, will ye darlin’.’ The men at the table laughed as I glanced around from him. His voice was charming, Irish, he was a looker to be sure. I was about to decline when he held the object up on his finger for me to see. ‘Perhaps ye’ll change my luck.’ Seeing it was a ring, and that it looked exactly like my mother’s a chill ran down my spine.  
  
I reached out to take it and our skin touched. That jolt again, and even his finger jerked back when we touched. But he allowed me to take it a moment as I looked it over. Moving it around between my fingers to make absolutely sure it was hers. Yes, it was her ring, but why did /he/ have it and why?  
  
“Where did you get this?” I asked, trying to keep the wariness from my voice.  
  
‘Why do you ask?’ He sat back as if curious as to how he might benefit from it. Either way I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“It looks like one my mother had.” A bit of my wariness bled through and he sensed it like a bloodhound. His face change as if he realized something. ‘Does it now.’ As if putting two and two together he reached out and plucked the ring back from me. Sitting back again he looked the ring over just as I did and I couldn’t stop myself from asking. “Is she alive?” Shifting my stance minutely I try to gain some of confidence back. Ready to give him money to get it back since he was about to gamble it away it anyhow. “It’s bad luck to wear the jewelry of the dead.” Maybe a scare tactic might work even though I knew it wasn’t true.  
  
‘I cannot say I’ve noticed that effect myself.’ He paused a moment to hold his hands out as he spoke again. ‘But I can assure your mother was both alive and well when I left her.’ It felt like a half truth, like there was more to what he meant.

I couldn’t keep the urgency from my tone. “Where is she?” The worry in my eyes would surely give me away. Daddy always told me when bargaining to never show weakness.  
  
‘Afraid I don’t know.’ Now he seemed bored looking away at the men still playing their card game. ‘My time with the lady was some while ago, though pleasant.’ The small grin that stretch his thin lips was frightening in more ways than one. The men around the table laughing again. Going strait to my gut telling me to run and never even tell my mother I met this man. But I couldn’t bring myself to move or even look away.

‘But if you’d like to return it to her...’ he waved his hand out invitingly. ‘...perhaps an agreement could be reached.’ He picked up his cards and placed them face down on the table announcing he folded.  
  
“You’ll sell it to me?” He was just gambling surely he needed the money. I’d meet whatever price he named to get it back. I knew how much it meant to my mother and not knowing how he came by the ring I just wanted to get it and leave.

‘Come now, I never haggle in public.’ He was suddenly out of his chair and right in front of me. God he was taller than I imagined. He was close but not too close as he walked past. The men around laughing as if they knew something I didn’t.

Each of his footfalls were like thunder in my ears. The open doors across the tavern, his /room/, that gut feeling only got worse. I knew I should just walk away. This wasn’t 1971, I wouldn’t walk into some strangers room then and I shouldn’t do it now.

But I found myself looking over my shoulder where he just walked and before I knew it I was following him, the Devil itself, though I didn’t know it at the time.

Squaring my shoulders, taking my mothers pose I entered the room, doors still open. A sense of false safety came over me and my confidence soared for a moment. “How much money do you want for it?” He had removed his pistol from his waist placing it on the table.

That same grin from before came upon his handsome features. ‘I’ve enough money.’ Tossing the ring into a candlestick plate he turned to face me and a sense of dread fill the pit of my stomach.

He slowly moved closer, tucking some of his falling hair behind his ears. Shrugging his shoulders in a manner to tell me I should /know/. Moving closer he looked me down and I felt a chill run over me.

‘Well perhaps you could earn it.’

And there it was, that defining moment where we all think we know how we would handle it but in reality have no fucking idea.

I freeze in fear and start to turn to leave. Hoping, praying he just lets me leave. “I think you’ve mistaken me I…” but fate had different ideas.

‘Oh no, I think you’ve mistaken me.’ The change in his voice frightened me. With lightning reflexes he grabbed me, pulling me back against him but I fall to the floor, begging him to let me go. In return he back hands me to the floor. Behind me he lets out a frustrated sound but the hit has disoriented me and before I can gather myself I feel him kneel between my legs.

“No...please...don’t…” One boot is pulled off roughly enough to flip me to my back. Tossing the boot he comes for the other and I go to kick him and he reads back to hit me again but I stop moving and put my hands up. “Okay...please don’t hurt me...I’ll do whatever you want...just...please don’t hurt me…” my voice trembled knowing I should fight but I didn’t want him to beat me. I didn’t want to have to tell anyone about this and if I had visible marks there would be questions I didn’t want to answer.

His hands moving to remove my other boot he stared me down but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, which didn’t seem to bother him. Pulling my other boot off he stood then offered his hand to help me stand. Unsure of what was going on I timidly take his hand and he helped me to stand. ‘Don’t move, aye.’ Grasping my chin a moment before stepping around me to throw my other boot out of the room and close the doors. ‘Lay on the bed…’ he was still facing the door and I almost sobbed instead I looked to the large bed and made my way to it. Sitting, he turned to watch me lay back but I did nothing else. Keep my legs closed and my dress down.

Staring to the ceiling I hear him coming closer, slowly, as if taunting me. He knew I didn’t want to do this, and he also knew what the ring meant and knew I would do anything to get it.

I whimpered, and tensed when I felt him step between my legs. Using his body to open me up. His hands hoisting the skirt of my dress up. Gliding along my skin I shivered but not in a good way. God just a few hours before I had just lost my virginity to Roger, my husband.

A tear fell down my cheek. I could hear him undoing his trousers and all I could do was close my eyes and turn away as much as I could. He spread me wider and I felt him then he was inside me with a hard thrust. He groaned, almost a roar and I couldn’t help the cry he pushed from me.

He gave no reprieve. Burying his face in the crook of my neck he rocked into me over and over. The bed slamming into the wall behind us. He grunted into my ear with every slam of his hips. I tried not to cry, tried not to give him any thought that I may have been enjoying this.

He quickened his pace. Harder, deeper, panting, groaning loudly and quicker he bucked into me mercilessly several more times till he let go, inside me. I could feel his hot breath against my neck. Thankfully he sat up and without ceremony pulled out from me. I could feel his semen on my thighs and I realized my eyes were still closed. Opening them I slowly sit up. He’s saying something but I don’t listen. Carefully standing from the bed I know I’m going to be hurting in the morning. Bending down, already feeling the ache, I pick up my scarf that came off when we were fighting on the floor.

Standing and starting for the door he stopped me saying I was forgetting something.I turn to see him there with the ring in hand. ‘I pay for my pleasures...I’m an honest man for a pirate.’ The way he said it almost made me vomit right there. He really believes he did no wrong, or he was incapable. I couldn’t help but stare at him before stepping closer to take it from the palm of his hand. I couldn’t help but notice he wiped his hands off after I touched him. Really, after what he just did to me…

I turn again to leave and I make it to the door when his voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

‘If you find your mother, give her my regards.’

Dear God I could only hope he hadn’t done the same to my mother. But he hadn’t, he robbed them of their only money and property of any value and killed a dear friend of theirs.

Stephen Bonnet was a psychopath, he lived solely to gain and manipulate anything and everything to his advantage with no regard to anyone or anything except his own existence.

What did I learn from it? I did what I thought at the time was best. Could I have done it differently? Sure, but he could have killed me had I done something different. In other words once something has happened all one can do is learn and do their best to move on and use it as a guidance and not something to hold you back.

But no matter how much I tried to convince myself I couldn’t deny my son, my child, could be the child of Stephen Bonnet, and he seems to be the only thing he holds any regard for.

Now that is a truly terrifying thought. And I can’t help but feel sympathy for a being such as him.

Have I fallen, is it wrong to /feel/? Can you help it?


End file.
